Perfectionism

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Writing for me, was a way to sort out my muddled thoughts.

I, sometimes look at women who articulate their thoughts beautifully, speak coherent sentences and express their faith in tangible terms. And wonder, maybe someday I'll get there. Right now, my thoughts are a tangled mess.

I'm definitely awkward and painfully shy, when it comes to expressing myself. And when people form opinions based on what I project, it makes me feel worse about myself. Speaking of insecurities, some people have a truckload of them.

As I'm learning to lean more on God for my insecurities, I'm also learning that self consciousness is a form of pride. Why does it matter what people think of me? Wouldn't I rather rest in the knowledge that God has already accepted me and loves me regardless of what I project? Most people don't think of me, they have better things to do. They think about themselves.

I put some unsuspecting woman on a pedestal, just as someone else does for me. Someone's weeds are hidden behind a seven foot fence and someone has their weeds all scattered on the lawn. Ultimately, God is the gardener and He knows the condition of our heart.

Nothing has been as humbling as learning how to be a wife and mother. It didn't take God long to show me that he would take my game plan and throw it out of the window. Reminds me of the time, I heard my neighbor yelling at her kids, and I thought to myself, "Oh, I would never do that". Turns out that right the very next minute, Daniel points his garden hose at me, and sprays me with icy, cold water. I yelled at him, and knew that I was being reminded that God knows our thoughts as well as our actions.

Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship with God that shows itself to be true even amid the seemingly unimportant aspects of human life. 
When you obey the call of Jesus Christ, the first thing that hits you is the pointlessness of the things you have to do. The next thought that strikes you is that other people seem to be living perfectly consistent lives. Such lives may leave you with the idea that God is unnecessary— that through your own human effort and devotion you can attain God’s standard for your life. In a fallen world this can never be done. 
I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God’s purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He wants. - Oswald Chambers.

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