The personality conflict - curbing a generation of introverts

Our lives are shaped as profoundly by personality as by gender or race. And, the single most important aspect of personality is where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. It influences our choice of friends, our mates, how we make conversation, resolve differences or show love. It affects the careers we choose and whether or not, we succeed at them. 

It seems as if our society is geared towards being more understanding and accepting of certain personality traits - and that is projected as an ideal. It is not uncommon to see an introvert who wishes that they were extroverted. It is not uncommon for an introvert to despair about their personality, to view their introversion in a negative light. 

Growing up, I would hear comments from people about being quiet, or shy or introverted. Fortunately, my parents never placed those labels on me, but the ones who did, left a deep enough impression for me to think that there was something wrong about being quiet. My husband laughs at me when I tell him these things. He thinks that I'm crazy and he wishes that he could be more quiet. Nevertheless, it took me a while to be comfortable in my skin, to not make excuses or be apologetic for how God created me. 

It also made me realize that being introverted is not an excuse to shut people out, or be unfriendly or unapproachable. That introversion is not the same as being a hermit. It is possible for an introvert to have calm, assertive and quiet confidence. 

Introverts do not feel the need to be in the limelight, which is a positive thing. They could use their sensitivity to listen and process things. I also learned that God did not make man with these tags and restrictions. If we learn to rest in how each individual is uniquely created, we are also able to walk away from the tremendous burden of being self conscious.

It is also fascinating that people are so unique in their genetic and social makeup. It might seem easy to classify someone as an extrovert, when in reality they are really not extroverted in every aspect of their life. Like for my husband, he recharges by being alone, but most people assume that he is a people-person. My father-in-law, on the other hand, appears reserved and quiet, but is actually social and needs people to be recharged. 

I read a book called "Quiet - The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking". This book is interesting, and a good read for raising quiet kids in a society that might label them negatively, tell them to come out of their shell or socialize and project extroversion as the cultural ideal. It also talks about situations where an introvert might benefit from acting like an extrovert.

The following are few excerpts from that book -

Introverts are drawn to the inner world of thoughts and feelings. Extroverts are drawn to people and activities. 

Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone, by contemplating, by reflecting.
Extroverts recharge by being around people, bouncing ideas and thoughts. 

Extroverts add life to a dinner party, laugh generously at jokes, tend to be assertive, dominant, think out loud, prefer talking to listening, occasionally blurt out things they don't want to say. They maybe comfortable with conflict, but rarely solitude. 

Introverts may have social skills, but after a while wish they were at home in their pajamas. They devote energy to family, close friends or acquaintances. They listen more than they talk. They express themselves better in writing. They tend to dislike small talk, but enjoy deep discussions. 

Introverts are not necessarily hermits. They are not always shy. Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not. 

Introversion- along with its cousins - sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness- is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Introverts living in the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are. Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform. 

If you're an introvert, you also know that the bias against quiet can cause deep psychic pain. As a child you might have overheard your parents apologize for your shyness. Or at school you might have been prodded to come "out of your shell" -that noxious expression which fails to appreciate that some animals naturally carry shelter everywhere they go, and some humans are just the same. 

We don’t ask why God chose as his prophet a stutterer with a public speaking phobia. But we should. The book of Exodus is short on explication, but its stories suggest that introversion plays yin to the yang of extroversion; that the medium is not always the message; and that people followed Moses because his words were thoughtful, not because he spoke them well. 

We know from myths and fairy tales that there are many different kinds of powers in this world. One child is given a light saber, another a wizard’s education. The trick is not to amass all the different kinds of available power, but to use well the kind you’ve been granted. 

The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it's a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk. Use your natural powers -- of persistence, concentration, and insight -- to do work you love and work that matters. Solve problems. make art, think deeply.

A great number of people are ambiverts - a combination of both. As Jung put it, there is no such thing as a pure introvert or a pure extrovert - such a man would be in the lunatic asylum.

My takeaway from all this is, to not be bogged down by self. The more one thinks or becomes obsessed with self, the more it becomes about the individual's ego. It is so much easier to live life in an uncomplicated way, learning to accept yourself and accepting all the people that God places in our lives. People in all their hues and colors, what a vibrant world, it is!