Safe place

-
We go to an Indian church, most Sundays. This is a small community of friends that we have had over the past many years. Many of the folks from this church have stood with us, during good times and bad. Though, we don't have family living in the same state - having this church has offset that need to a great extent.

There are few things that have been on my mind for sometime now. A lot of people in this church are my husband's friends. The rest are my father-in-law's friends. I realize that, I'm a reserved person, so it's not always easy for people to talk to me. 

But, there are few friendships and relationships that I've tried to invest in, but for some reason, I feel like a bystander. What I say or do or don't say or don't do, doesn't change anything. 

Even, the ones who are friends with me are because - I'm the wife or daughter-in-law or something of that sort. It especially becomes troubling for me, when someone is talking to my husband about something, and they stop talking when I'm around or change topics. I understand that there will be need for private conversation but if every conversation the person has is only in private, I question the need for it.

People can be pesky. They betray. They can say hurtful things. So why even try? Why not just give into bitterness and isolate ourselves the rest of our lives?
“God’s most beautiful jewels are often delivered in rough packages by very difficult people, but within the package, we will find the very treasure of the king’s palace and the bridegroom’s love.” - A.B Simpson
In short, we grow better together.

I’ve thought about this truth because it doesn’t make sense to me. If people hurt me, wouldn’t it be wiser to steer clear of them? If I did that, I could prevent future bitterness and protect my heart from injury. Isn’t an un-injured heart better able to experience joy?

What results is a big, chunky, tall wall. A fortress of protection around the heart. For a time, this wall felt absolutely necessary. And, it served me well. Inside the fortress, I didn’t have to hear painful words. As long as you didn’t engage with the big, bad world - you could be happy.

Except that God knows that we’re happiest, most joyful when we live in a community, loving and being loved. A fortress prevents both pain AND joy. A fortress isolates. A fortress removes you from real life lived alongside others.

But, if I tear down that wall, how can I protect myself?
A fence is a friendly reminder to everyone that you have your own yard, your own soul, your own “you” that’s worthy of protection. But because there’s a gate, you can welcome those who need you most (and who you most need): safe people, friends, sweet family. 
That’s the difference between a fortress and a fence. I pray that I'm able to discern the difference, let God tear down the fortress–a hyper-self-protective life, and erect a white picket fence with an arbored gate. To  experience the joy of living openhearted. - Mary DeMuth
At some level, we take ownership of our side of the problem. People cannot interact with a closed person. The things they say will deflect off those walls. And, the onus is always on the other person to initiate conversation or maintain relationships and trust. 

Here’s what I've found - When we’re injured by others, God often asks us to reengage with safe community to heal our hearts. And, it is within this safe community, that we first learn to break those chains.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Generosity

-
Ever met a stingy person? Not in terms of gift giving or spending, but people who are stingy with affection, or stingy with acknowledging the good in someone else? Chances are, we don't like such a person. Chances are, we are that person (Maybe, not to everyone but to someone). I have been thinking about how one of my main triggers for the past year has been ingratitude. Like when you do things for someone, but they either blow it off or don't value it. When they find things to complain about and never have a good word to say.  When we are around generous people, it lifts us up. They raise us to be better versions of ourselves. I recently read a quote which stuck with me, "If you don't like what you are reaping, consider what you are sowing" . If we don't invest in something, whether a person, a task or a relationship, it dies a natural death. That is just the way it is. Generous people don't rely on the reciprocity of their actions to be generous. In most...
Read more

The paradox of Forgiveness

-
  “We see life as unfair and ourselves as its victims. We focus on the offenses others have done against us. And we fail to realize all these offenses pale in comparison to our own offenses against God, who not only forgives us, but both requires and enables us to forgive others and move forward free from the past. We should forgive as God forgave us, not once but many times.” This is the heart of God's forgiveness message. I wonder sometimes, what this means for victims. For people who are at the receiving end of others' sins. People dealing with years of trauma, abuse, neglect or betrayal. We all sin and fall short in many different ways, but forgiveness is more complex than that. The offenses that are done against us are wrong, simply because they are like our own offenses — wrong because they are done against God. To imply that our pain is not real or valid because we ourselves have done wrong, would be to negate the entire human race and the wrongs we inflict on each other...
Read more

Baby soft skin

-
Lately, I have been thinking that people have been in our lives for a reason , season or a lifetime . Typically, most folks fall in the first two categories. The " lifetime " people are maybe family and a few people here and there.  When Dev taught Sunday school, many of those kids were a huge part of our lives. Dev was heavily invested in them and cared for them, way more than a typical teacher. Gradually, he drifted away from what he used to do and these kids grew up and became adults and moved on with their lives.  Someone once told us that when you invest in these Sunday School kids, they will grow up and be there for your kids. I think this is mostly untrue. These young adults barely even know that my kids exist, let alone being involved in their lives.  Also, this is an unfair burden and expectation to place on them. Firstly, they are trying to figure out their own lives. They don't really have the headspace or inclination to be involved in someone else's kids...
Read more