Random musings

Ever met a stingy person? Not in terms of gift giving or spending, but people who are stingy with affection, or stingy with acknowledging the good in someone else? Chances are, we don't like such a person. Chances are, we are that person (Maybe, not to everyone but to someone). I have been thinking about how one of my main triggers for the past year has been ingratitude. Like when you do things for someone, but they either blow it off or don't value it. When they find things to complain about and never have a good word to say.  When we are around generous people, it lifts us up. They raise us to be better versions of ourselves. I recently read a quote which stuck with me, "If you don't like what you are reaping, consider what you are sowing" . If we don't invest in something, whether a person, a task or a relationship, it dies a natural death. That is just the way it is. Generous people don't rely on the reciprocity of their actions to be generous. In most...

  “We see life as unfair and ourselves as its victims. We focus on the offenses others have done against us. And we fail to realize all these offenses pale in comparison to our own offenses against God, who not only forgives us, but both requires and enables us to forgive others and move forward free from the past. We should forgive as God forgave us, not once but many times.” This is the heart of God's forgiveness message. I wonder sometimes, what this means for victims. For people who are at the receiving end of others' sins. People dealing with years of trauma, abuse, neglect or betrayal. We all sin and fall short in many different ways, but forgiveness is more complex than that. The offenses that are done against us are wrong, simply because they are like our own offenses — wrong because they are done against God. To imply that our pain is not real or valid because we ourselves have done wrong, would be to negate the entire human race and the wrongs we inflict on each other...

Self awareness is the art of understanding ourselves. Why we act the way we do, our thoughts, emotions, likes, dislikes, goals, feelings, who we are, what we want to become, where we want to go, our capabilities, and limitations.   Self awareness has been linked to the ability to make better decisions and informed choices. To create a life we desire and ultimately relate better to the world around us. The desire to learn more about oneself is the basis of personality assessment tools like Myers Brigg.  I identify as an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging) personality type. I remember reading about INFJs and feeling a sense of being understood. I have spent my life feeling like a misfit. I connect with people yet feel disconnected at the same time. I dislike being forced to do things in a highly structured way. My thoughts are abstract;  I silently rebel; I can be opinionated, overtly idealistic, and stubborn but most people wouldn’t know these things about me. ...

I always start off the New Year with resolutions, most of which don't last for more than a few weeks. I recently heard someone talk about the lessons they learned from the previous year, and it seemed like a great form of introspection. Here are few of my lessons from 2022 -   1. Don't be an insufferable know-it-all. No matter what encyclopedia of knowledge we have or our life experiences or wisdom, there is always something we DO NOT know. Be humble, teachable and open-minded. There are things to learn from every person, young and old. 2. Don't be an expert on someone else's life - We do not know more about someone's life than they do. So, listening is of more value than judging or giving unnecessary opinions. 3. Not everything that people claim is exciting is going to be enjoyable for you. Whether it's bungee jumping or zip lining or rock climbing or what not, just because the pictures look good doesn't mean it was a great experience for everyone involved....

       There is this tree at the intersection of McCaslin and Washington. Every home around it was reduced to rubble from the Marshall fire. Yet, this tree. It is lit up with the Christmas décor placed on it before the fire.           At first, I found it haunting. But now, this tree with the little string of lights on it, is beautiful to me. There is this saying that the smallest of lights shine brightest in the darkness.            During these uncertain times, when we feel depleted and exhausted - maybe we somehow find in us these little lights. It reminds us that there is hope even through dark times - God is with us, with ALL of us, in ALL things.            If we believe that God's hand is only in the good things - what would we tell ourselves if things were to go truly bad? How would we remind ourselves of God's provision or God's love and protection? He is eit...

Whenever a group of people get together, sooner or later the conversation shifts to other people. Other people's lives, their choices, what they did or said or so on.  This kind of talk is usually harmless. Friendship is built based on this kind of small talk. Things like common interests, mutual likes or dislikes. Cliques are also formed this way. Unfortunately, this kind of talk is not always edifying nor useful.  Sometimes, it is downright harmful. We slander or gossip about people without a second thought on how it potentially ruins a person's reputation by spreading meaningless junk. Slander affects how a person is treated not just by the person who is saying it, but also by all those who hear it. Gossip is responsible for damaging relationships and breaking trust. Yet, this is neither acknowledged nor viewed that way. We all need to process things. This kind of processing sometimes involves saying negative things about other people but this is not the same as gossip beca...

Lately, I have been thinking that people have been in our lives for a reason , season or a lifetime . Typically, most folks fall in the first two categories. The " lifetime " people are maybe family and a few people here and there.  When Dev taught Sunday school, many of those kids were a huge part of our lives. Dev was heavily invested in them and cared for them, way more than a typical teacher. Gradually, he drifted away from what he used to do and these kids grew up and became adults and moved on with their lives.  Someone once told us that when you invest in these Sunday School kids, they will grow up and be there for your kids. I think this is mostly untrue. These young adults barely even know that my kids exist, let alone being involved in their lives.  Also, this is an unfair burden and expectation to place on them. Firstly, they are trying to figure out their own lives. They don't really have the headspace or inclination to be involved in someone else's kids...

CS Lewis in one of his books describes " Joy as the serious business of heaven ". Yet, a typical Christian is anything but joyful. There is always this sense of gloom and worry hanging over our shoulders.  We rarely encourage any outward expression of joy in an Indian church service. Mega churches are at the other extreme, where there is almost too much of everything and noise, and then that may be interpreted as joy. There is a solemness, almost insipid way of doing things in a traditional church. Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it feels like going through the motions. Not only do grown ups act this way, kids are expected to do the same.  Kids must be obedient to their parents, the elders and follow all the rules of the church. They must sit in one place, not move or talk or do anything to distract from the church proceedings.  Sometimes, I wonder if we teach our kids to go through the motions as well. It's like we teach them that the church experience is devoid of...

  We spend a great deal of our life doing work. Not just work, as in a job but work as in our day to day tasks or to-dos. Especially, as an adult, the things that constitute as work grow exponentially. In a family, there are tasks that a husband does and things a wife does. It differs greatly in each family. Ideally, each individual can do things that they are good at, so it doesn't seem like such a burden. In some families, where the man has a patriarchal mindset, he may consider kitchen duties like cooking or cleaning beneath his dignity. The same can be true for a wife - when she views kitchen duties as inferior. So, there is this struggle and imbalance of power. I enjoy cooking. I grew up in a family where both my parents cooked and were good at it. It is also common in Bombay for neighbors and friends to cook and share tasty treats and recipes with each other.  It's hard to explain this to people who might see me cooking and think I'm slogging away in the kitchen. This...

We are reaching the end of this weird and eventful year. The tree is up, decorations are out but the festive cheer is absent. 2020 has been a trial for many of us. Some of us have lost loved ones, spent days in the hospital, relationships have fallen apart - friends, loved ones have suffered.   We spent the first part of this year planning our big vacation after 4 years of waiting to visit India. I thought we would visit Papa and spend time in Singapore as well. Instead, all our plans were disrupted and we had to cancel our trip. Papa had very little help during the pandemic. He managed his day to day activities, without the luxury of having his kids nearby, or the option to stay at home and be safe. By God's grace, he stays resilient. We saw this kind of resilience all through the lockdowns and social distancing. Doctors, nurses, healthcare, postal, transportation, sanitation, grocery, essential workers. Many of these workers did their jobs with grace and fortitude.  We ...

Why do Malayalees always want to add extra characters to a person's name? Anita is not ANITHA. This is totally cringeworthy!  I would much rather be called Ani or Annie.  As if, having multiple kids with matching names like Messy, Busy and Jessy wasn't enough, we also change the spellings randomly. Also, you don't get to call people Uncle and Aunty if they are the same generation as you. If you don't have a real Aunty or Uncle that age, you don't get to have an imaginary Uncle and Aunty. Calling people Uncle and Aunty when they are not old enough to be your Uncle and Aunty is not respectful, it's just lazy. I remember the look of horror on my poor Mummy's face when a lady 2 years younger than her called her Aunty. My sweet Mummy was nice enough to just smile and respond. When in doubt, stick to Chechi, Chachan or Amamma. To break this down, look for an age difference of 15 years and above before calling someone an Uncle or Aunty. I used to think that only AB...

We all experience loneliness in varying degrees. Most adults will admit to feeling lonely, sometimes even when surrounded by people, acquaintances or friends. While it is fairly easily to connect through social media, hosting get togethers and parties, it is hard to truly form a genuine connection. Though I’m not the most social person, I am still in contact with my childhood friends from India. My parents would occasionally interact with my friends’ parents but it never occurred to them to interfere with kids’ friendships. This in in stark contrast with the playdate culture we have in America. Here, the kids friendships' depend on the parents’ dynamics. The kids don't even have the luxury of resolving their own conflicts because parents will most likely micromanage that too.  This added to the insular culture in America. Friendships, when they happen can seem superficial. I would count myself fortunate even if I have a few friends who genuinely care about my kids. People who t...

To say that 2020 has been crazy is an understatement. It started off with a virus that brought the world to a standstill.  For all our human intelligence and science and medicine or vaccines or whatever else we have to offer -  we stood powerless when confronted with something unknown and of this magnitude. The best we could do was to stay home and wait for this thing to pass, while the scientists and world leaders try and figure this out. When the vision is 20-20, one can see clearly. I wonder if the year 2020 also means that we should start seeing more clearly or at least try. As if the virus wasn't enough, the disregard for human life and dignity whether this is based on race or color of skin or country of origin or legal status.  People treated poorly, their voices unheard, their issues pushed aside as insignificant. We are now aware of this, because information is freely available, via technology (though many do not see value in technology). An avera...

Change is a good thing. Especially, when change involves aspects of life, personality or habits that need to change. When there is no change, a person becomes stagnant. It's like doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is the very definition of insanity.  Unfortunately, change does not come easy. The more spiritual a person is, the more difficult it is for them to accept that there might be something wrong with their way of thinking and behavior.  This person might be the most humble person or someone who doesn't view themselves highly. Even for such a person, it is extremely rare to be open to receiving negative feedback or criticism from someone else. Maybe, at an intrinsic level, we don't view ourselves as bad people.  Maybe, we are too insecure to readily accept blame.  Maybe, our self esteem is so fragile, that any little thing shakes it.  M aybe, we live our lives being very sensitive to how we are perce...

When I moved from India to America, I noticed an abundance of churches. I assumed that it was a good thing because that meant there was a better opportunity to learn from the wisdom of preachers and to be around people who might possibly share similar views. There is something about being at church that feels like home. I enjoy going to church by myself. It’s peaceful to be able to sit quietly in a church where you don’t know anyone - to not feel the need to do this and that, or say unnecessary things or fill social expectations.   I went to a Catholic school in India and would often visit their church. I would also go to a different church close to where I worked in India . It is a very normal thing for me to go to many churches and I don’t find anything odd or weird about it.  I attend two churches here as well. I did not expect it to draw attention but it does.  Flatirons church, the loud, obnoxious church is a topic of much discu...

There is a lot to be grateful about as I'm slowly easing back to getting used to the workplace, learning and being productive. It's not easy going back to work after a 10 year break.  I wish that I could take credit for how well I managed everything. But, in reality, the whole process has been purely God's grace. Right from the job interview, to the work, to transitioning the kids and managing schedules. I do not have my skill set to rely on, because I'm rusty. Maybe, it's better this way.  For when I'm weak, then He is strong. There is comfort in knowing that God is in control and if He can bring me thus far, He is fully capable of guiding me through the rest of the way. I wonder sometimes, if one can truly succeed without being competitive. I see it all around me - the kids and their school, the sport related activities, work, home, friends and colleagues. Can one truly succeed by just going with the flow?  Do you not know that in a race all t...