Random musings

Those days are far too easy to ignore. I could pretend that I didn't feel the tightening of my muscles in anger. That, my blood doesn't boil with frustration at those random day to day things.  I find myself having to repeat the same things to the kids. But, they tune me out. I can push guilt and conviction under a pretty rug. So, that is what I do. I don't want to take the time to deal with myself or anyone. I don't want my pride crushed and I don't want to be humbled again. I want to be a mom and a wife that has it all figured out. That doesn't need to work hard to be awesome.  I want to ignore the help and grace that can change me. I want to do it on my own. And, then I break. I can only run for so long.  My son's deep black eyes look at me and tell me - " It's okay, Mommy. You are having a bad day ". And, then he tells his Daddy that he is cleaning the bath tub, so Mommy doesn't have to do it. And, after losing my t

We just found out that someone at my husband's place of work lost their two year old child. He passed away in his sleep, with no serious illness, recovering from a high fever. And, just like that, a life is gone. The finality of death.  Death is chilling and humbling. Our life troubles seems trivial when one is faced with something of this magnitude. We can come up with our silly little explanations of why death happens or try and protect our children. But, yet - there is nothing in our human capacity that would control life. I don't want Christians to say things like " The Prince of Peace will give them peace " or that " Let us be willing to humbly accept God's will ". How sad that we don't walk in these parent's shoes but are willing to offer our rational explanations and our empty and meaningless words.  I can't help but question the wisdom of God's plan. I don't understand death. I don't want to experienc